Okay so I left this blog in shame after such a promising start to my alcohol free life and started to tell myself that of course I could just have a couple of glasses of wine, what’s the harm? Summer had started, I was successfully having many many nights alcohol free so it was almost like I’d somehow grown up and become the moderate drinker I always wanted to be.
I looked back over my drinking for the last three months…
May – when the blog started and I was very aware I only drank 11 times, so 20 days alcohol free. That was an achievement in itself. Two thirds of the month sober.
June – I had a total of 24 days alcohol free and dotted in around the month were the one off occasions that amounted to no more than 6 where I had a drink. Wow nearly 100% sober!
This brings me to July. I am getting cocky now… we are only 26 days in and already I’ve had a drink 17 days. My foot was off the gas and I’ve no idea what shifted for me only that I started to tell myself alcohol wasn’t that bad, other people drank in moderation and I proved I could do it.
It’s strange, you take your eye off the ball and you start to descend back downwards. When I had really cut right back on drinking it would enter my mind but it wouldn’t occupy it. Once I started to ‘allow’ myself to drink again as I was such a good moderate drinker *pats own head*, that was when every day I was fighting the urge to drink and this month you can see that 17 days out of 26 the alcohol won.
How do I feel when I think of going alcohol free? It’s actually very exciting, I feel lighter and just exhilarated with the challenge as well as the benefits. So here we go again older and wiser, I know the drill I know the score and this time, though it does scare me I mean it. I am going to go alcohol free… forever. I am going to stop having to fight that ‘will I /won’t I’ battle that happens every day. The answer is now simple. It’s ‘I won’t’.
I have 6 days before I head off on a ‘holiday’ to a small caravan with my parents and my three year old, a time when I would have used alcohol to get me through so I simply need to approach it differently this time. That sounds completely awful when I write it out like that but it’s true, as much as I love them they drive me bonkers. You may think it seems a bit bonkers to consider starting this before I go away and that I’m setting myself up for a truly terrible time but I’m choosing to believe the opposite. Without alcohol controlling my mood, without it to cloud my mind in the evening I can actually be really present and thoroughly enjoy sharing some quality time and quality experiences with those nearest and dearest to me. There won’t be hangovers or slurred speech… I won’t even have to hide some of my drinking so that they don’t worry.
I’ll let you know how I get on but first there are the next few days when I know that this little monster called alcohol will be clawing at me a little bit to keep me addicted. I’m going to enjoy killing that little monster off again. It’s actually really painless.